I Confess (or am I confused)

I want to confess my existential angst today.

Stray reading has become my unavoidable habit and I can hardly hold onto anything for too long. I don’t wish to claim anything but outright ignorance and forthright curiosity, the culprits.

I may be in tune with the agony Tyagaraja went through that transformed into his now- famous Pancharatna krtiti, Duduku Gala Nanne. Thoughts and actions stray him away from catching up with the very essence of his life: the tattva (which I think he sees in and as Rama). He agonises for the bliss that he overlooked because of his wafting mind that disoriented him from It.

Bliss, I thought, was just about accruing as much knowledge as possible. Frankly, it served two things. Primarily, to help others whenever they were stuck with things I could solve. Secondly, and this with shameless sincerity, showcasing myself to stand out among the crowd. This was my heartfelt hope for salvation that now I think was flawed.

Especially, I search for opportunities to talk out my ideas with people – quite contrary to the Upanisadic wisdom to answer questions only when asked. It is quite hard to preserve what I know with myself. I’ve been searching for a proper outlet to discuss and refine my ideas. As of now, not finding it, I compensate by forcing people to listen to the sham I speak.

I have realised, of late, that this angst is what would perhaps alert me and keep me awake of this kind of an assault.

God, bless others to say to me: No More, please.